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Attempting to change one’s own appearance is so often falsely placed on a kind of morality scale. And my feelings of ugliness, when I was perhaps less enlightened about the systems at play which police unruly bodies, have often been most vivid when I do something to my body that I have been told is “bad.” Like smoking, eating fast food, drinking too much, skipping exercise. And so I’ve made strange choices in the name of this false goodness: wild diets, impossible gym routines, binging and purging, backstreet Botox.
And yet I didn’t feel ugly like I had in the past, despite my face looking completely different to how it should. And that’s because something like Botox, or any intervention against ugliness, or aging, or weight gain whatever you wish to call it is seen as more morally commendable than accepting your body as it is. Watch Troye Sivan Prepare to Walk the Cannes Red Carpet And Share the Posing Tips He Learned From Lily-Rose Depp For much of my life, I’ve been unable to put my finger on what exactly it feels like to feel ugly. But I’ve also noticed that I have been congratulated when I’m doing something to change my appearance toward a more accepted beauty standard. Whether it was being put on a strict diet by my doctor at fourteen and being applauded by a group of women at Weight Watchers every week when I lost a pound, or whether it was the remark a friend’s mum made at a wedding when she told me she was so glad I started being good to my skin. The last time she saw me, she said, I was “looking unwell.”
I was reminded of these impossible decisions last month when a friend of mine took his second dose of Ozempic. He messaged me the following: “Would you rather be thin and have vertigo, or fat and able to walk without wanting to pass out?” And it became an actual debate, one which on the surface sounds easy to answer in this world of self-love at any weight. But the toxic parts of us were forced into a spiral. We went round and round deciding that what we really want is to not think about food and weight and desire and morality all the time. And there is no drug for that. When he eventually called his doctor about the dizziness, the doctor said “great that the weight is coming off!”
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